U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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