The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize