i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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