Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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