im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
