the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
These tits shall not be calmed
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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