1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
