so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
