I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
