I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
