when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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