Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
