im six kinds of drunk right now
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
