i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
