my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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