why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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