u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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