i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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