I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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