Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
