my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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