I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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