the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize