my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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