if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
