you have to choose: penises or morals?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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