My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
