tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize