you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
