I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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