I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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