You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Randomize
