Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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