I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize