I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
