There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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