Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I'm really busy with my period
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