kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize