my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
