U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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