that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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