They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
