I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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