It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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