I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Two words: blizzard sex
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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