Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want to make a zoo with you.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
