Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
