I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
