I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
