bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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