I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
