how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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