I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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