The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
