i think i scared a bird with my dick
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
