On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize