Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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