He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
