im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize