i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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