Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
