I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
