I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
