At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
